I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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