For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
