It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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