I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
