I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
