she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
