I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
