Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
