also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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