take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
