She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
