WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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