You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
