true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
