I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
a search helicopter?!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
