thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
