Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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