I'm gonna have a badass scar
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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