That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
