Don't you send me to vm
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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