My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
