We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
