She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
