what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
