I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
