I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
