so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
