wanna go halves on a baby?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You need a sexual gate keeper
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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