He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
