So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
