Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
