This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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