I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
