Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
His hands were made for my vagina.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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