he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
