so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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