so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
