if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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