when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
