I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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