we have pet lesbian snakes
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
