if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
