he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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