Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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