be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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