omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
