Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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