This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
