I could make wine with my vomit
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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