Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
